Friday 16 December 2022
Medication day 3.
Had a poor night’s sleep again, however it was better than the night before. I was asleep 10.50pm and awake properly at 5.29am, and I woke up at 3am briefly. Norman the Cat is irritating me a lot this morning. He gets in the bed, he gets out the bed, he bites me, he nudges me, he puts his paw in my mouth!! Give me strength, I just want to be left to wake up on my own naturally without being molested by my bloody cat lol. That aside, my watch recorded a sleep score of 73, which supposedly isn’t bad.
Took medication at 6.08am.
7.42am – Today, I felt the full benefits of yoga for the first time. I really enjoyed it, a lot more than normal (even though on the whole I enjoy it normally) as my mind was clear and I could tune in properly and my body relished the stretches.
My anxiety levels are elevated, though it seems to be surrounding people’s perceptions of me. I feel mildly nauseous and have a dry mouth.
My energy has improved from when I first woke up. Combination of medication and yoga. I’m not feeling the push to get moving yet, I am procrastinating and I’m feeling cold in my bones. It is freezing in my house, and supposedly, it is -9 degrees outside right now. Right, Bird, get moving (my brains name for myself is quite derogatory…).
9.09am – I have no sense of urgency, and I’m not sure this is a good thing. I logged onto my work computer five minutes late because I went to Asda on the way home from the school run and did not care. I have an elevated level of despise for how chaotic my current job is today, and that may be what is reducing my sense of urgency. I have six working days left at this job before I start my new job in January, so I think it may just be the fact I have so much to do yet so little time. Or I am more aware of the chaos because I am so much calmer inside.
On the way back from Asda, I felt like I was high, tipsy even, like my inhibitions were falling away, my mask was slipping. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. This mask has kept me safe and inconspicuous for so many years. It’s my safety net. On the other hand, I feel free from the prison of worrying about people’s perceptions of me and social normality expectations. This is a huge u-turn from how I was feeling first thing.
Music is my therapy, I’m feeling the music deeply today, much more deeply than usual, and it’s energising me to a higher level than normal. However, it is limiting my brain from thinking fully as it is a distraction (which is not normal).
I feel defiant and that I will take no prisoners today! I love this feeling of confidence and assertiveness.
What I am feeling is, what’s the word … distaste, distaste that only work is getting the benefit of me being focused as it runs out before I have time to sort out my personal life at home. I will bring this up with my psychiatrist when we talk on 3 January.
Lunchtime reflection – 1.17pm – I am jittery today and mildly spaced out, but at the same time, I have laser focus on an adhoc emergency analysis report. Even when Excel crashed and I was at risk of losing all my work I had done so far, I did not even bat an eyelid. Normally, I would have elevated stress levels, and my temper would have shortened, but not today. I just sat there waiting patiently for Excel to wake up, then I went for a cigarette then came back and force closed excel and recovered what I could (I only lost a small amount of work) and saved it on my desktop instead of the server to stop it crashing again. This reaction is amazing. No catastrophising, no admonishing myself over something out of my control, no mind spiralling into chaos. Just a calm woman waiting patiently. My heart rate was between 59 to 134 for that period, so my body reacted, but my mind didn’t. Is this a good thing or not? What if I was in danger, would I not react? I don’t want to try it out, just in case, lol.
Blood pressure at 1.27pm – 121/81 109bpm
** This is as far as I got this day. I started feeling extremely weird in the afternoon. I felt lightheaded and spaced out, and the fatigue crash was so unbearable. I could barely function, or even move, other than Google symptoms and how to combat the Elvanse come down. I determined that in all likeliness I had not eaten enough calories by far, coupled with eating too many oranges and drinking too much orange juice, as I found vitamin C is to be avoided ideally when the meds are active in the body. **
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